You Just Shouldn't Cuss

The first step in the right direction.

I realized I was wrong. There were things I could not take back. Sometimes my words work against me. What was I to do? I felt trapped like an animal. I felt pushed into a corner. So I came out with very offensive words.

Oh God, I'm a Christian and words like that shouldn't come from my lips.
Words like that are meant to mow people down.

I realize others will have no conscious about those types of words. They will not give it a second thought. To them it is second nature. For me that is no excuse. Even if I have done it before there is no excuse.

Abusive words are not words that I should speak...

My business partner and I were jammed for time. He is more of a brother to me. It had gotten late in the afternoon. The bank will be closing very shortly. My only concern was getting the utility bills paid. It took two signatures to get the funds. The utility company had just sent us a final notice.

I looked over at Benjamin; he was having a good time with Tina. Tina was not his girlfriend, but he was very fond of her.

Come on, we're going to be late, l kept repeating. I got in the vehicle and waited for ten minutes. Ben is the type that is never concerned about anything. The house could be on fire, he will just look at it burning. We need to go now, I said, frightened of the closing time. Ben look at me as only he could, and returned talking to Tina. I hollered out of the window, if we don't go now we won't make it and the utilities will be shut off. Benjamin kept talking as if I wasn't there. Finally he casualty walked to the vehicle, and got in.

Soon after Benjamin got in, I began reading him the riot act. Words came from my mouth that even shocked me.

How can this be happening? I am saying everything but the right thing. I cannot stop the magnitude of what is being said. It felt very much like a dream, where I am watching myself say things that I shouldn't say and cannot stop myself.

Finally just as quick as it started it stopped. Now on the way to the bank Benjamin didn't turn to the right or to the left, but kept his head straight forward. He had neither a smile or a frown. Needless to say we did not make it to the bank in time.

Okay, it was if I threw a large stone in a glass house and I couldn't take it back. The spotlight from above was on me. It didn't matter that Benjamin procrastinated. It didn't matter that he was talking to Tina. The only thing that mattered is the fit of rage I threw.

How do I get out of this one?

First I had to say a silent prayer to God. Forgive me Lord. Then I turned to Benjamin and said forgive me for what I just said to you. There is no excuse for that type of rage.

I learned that day not to allow rage to get the best of me.

I learned you cannot allow my temper to dictate my actions.